I expected to feel sad tonight. I wouldn’t have been surprised if this was what finally made me cry.
I expected to be angry at him again because he didn’t do anything to either ask her out or say the path was clear for me.
I expected to need consoling, or some sort of comfort.
I didn’t expect anger. I didn’t expect a sudden surge of destructive, I-want-to-beat-the-fucking-shit-out-of-someone, don’t-leave-me-alone-with-fragile-things rage. I didn’t expect to take a really circuitous route on the freeways to get home in the hopes of drowning out the anger with the howl of the wind and the pounding of my music. I didn’t expect the anger to survive something that normally calms all of my emotions.
We said goodbye. I told her (in my hesitant, fumbling way) I love her as a friend.
We’re both free to move on to someone else. She’ll be in another state in two days.
I feel like shit.
Just gonna curl up in a little ball and feel like shit because I never acted on what I wanted because someone else wanted it.
Even though he apparently never tried to get it.
And now the opportunity for that relationship is basically gone.
Fuck.
I don’t understand how this keeps happening.
There’s someone I like, maybe a few. Then one takes prominence, and the rest sort of fade into the background.
Suddenly I’m pursuing someone completely new.
I don’t regret asking her out. I’d pushed the memory of being attracted to her into the parts of my mind I avoid. She’s gorgeous, she’s intelligent, she’s playful, and most of all she’s interesting.
Today, we went on a date. I let my guard down a bit, and gave her my perspective on myself. Something that I rarely feel comfortable providing (and could have put her off a bit). She didn’t shy away; instead she told me about herself. Talking to her makes a part of me that usually sits in the back quietly get excited and last night after saying good night I sat there, clutching my phone to my chin, smiling a goofy little smile.
For the first time in a long time, I have something to feel happy about. Not just an opportunity to sit back and enjoy things. A reason to feel happy.
And this time I’m not feeling guilty because she’s particularly young or I was being really flirtatious with someone else or anything else. I’m a bit disappointed because I went for it so late and I only have 3 weeks before she leaves for an unknown amount of time, and I’d like to have months to search out her depths and learn all of her secrets and see her as completely as I can…
But that’s not a horrible fate. I can do that from afar.
I’m just glad I’m making sure she leaves with happy memories close behind her.
This time, I won’t fuck up.
You’re like a flame.
You’re beautiful, and I love to stare at you, but when I stare too long it hurts. And I want something to happen between us, but I know you have Him.
Even if you would say yes, I wouldn’t ask. While you still have Him, I’d feel too guilty about it. Even thinking about you like this sends pangs of guilt through me.
And sometimes I wish I could let our friendship, and the desire I’ve woven into it, float away. But I know that doing that would leave me feeling more guilt than anything else.
So, I’m still staring into the flames. Leaning as close as I can, with the weird mix of pleasure and pain from the heat shooting through me.
Why can’t I just fucking move on. Even if the feelings remain, it’d be nice if I could make them background noise to the same for someone else.
Hurray for standards.
